Monday, November 28, 2005

Maximum Double Universal Timekick Warrant: A Jean-Claude Van Damme Cinematic Retrospective

(via seanbaby) Finally, at last someone has paid tribute to theoretically without a doubt the greatest....er....uh... well, this shit is still mad funny...

As you already know, there are certain things one can expect from a Jean-Claude Van Damme film: several to many shots of him doing the splits, a muddy fight during a rainstorm, a sassy female reporter, and a clever excuse for Jean-Claude to expose his rear end. These factors will be put into a complicated computer program and multiplied by the number of times Jean-Claude hits someone in slow motion or in the groin to come up with a rating on the Van Dammeter of 1 through 10. This will quickly give readers an idea of the amount of, for lack of an existing word, “Van Dammajesty” that the movie contains.

Also, in order to save us all some time, the plot of each film will be summarized using this simple numerical code:
  • Plot #1: Revenge over a lost loved one drives Jean-Claude Van Damme into karate-filled circumstances.
  • Plot #2: On the run from the law, military or mafia, Van Damme flees to karate-filled circumstances.
  • Plot #3: Jean-Claude Van Damme is unwillingly involved in karate-filled circumstances by a second Jean-Claude Van Damme.
  • Plot #4: This movie is just a rehashing of a different movie, only now it stars Jean-Claude Van Damme.
  • Plot #5: If the film’s plot is described by the number five, this simply indicates that it is profoundly insane.
...[ More ]

He's still Chuck Zito's bitch.

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